Small Market Stars: Who's Left in the 2018 Playoffs

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Carey Price of Anahim Lake, BC (pop. 1,500) taunts Peter Budaj, of Banska Bystrica (pop. 76,641) over his big city roots

There are a LOT of small market teams left in the NHL playoffs. It's not 100%, but there is no doubt that this year's second round is dominated by the little guy that could. Though in this league, that translates to fickle ownership groups that have used their brains in hiring competent hockey personnel.

Anyways, I thought it would be interesting to go through and find out who the teams small market stars are! That is, a player on a small market team (though I'll do a player from each, so Pittsburgh fans don't chew my ass) that performs at a high level, and is from literal butt-fuck nowhere. Maybe somewhere in Saskatchewan.

Let's go.

1. Tampa Bay Lightning - avg attendance: 19,092

Well, if anything is certain, it's that the NHL has a reaaaaal loose handle on what it allows to be recorded as attendance. Almost 20,000 people attended Tampa home games this season. That's a few hundred ushers, concession staff, a gang of security, each team has 20 players and some management. Scouts, scouts get in free...

What I'm getting at is, attendance and tickets sold aren't the same thing. So who is their small market star?

Starting from the top, Steven Stamkos, Nikita Kucherov and Andrei Vasilevskiy. Three of the most impactful players in the league, all on the same team.

Here's the problem:

Stamkos is from Markham, which is just another word for Toronto. Kucherov is from a city of almost 400,000 and Vasilevskiy, is from a city of a half million. That's no small market. Especially not by my humble Canadian standards.

Hedman however.....

Victor Hedman is from Ornskoldsvik, Sweden. A city so small, that you could smell the titty bar on the east side of town when the cool breeze blows. A city so small that sheep are never safe, and neither are cousins.

Population: 32,000.

Now, JT Miller for example is from a much smaller town where cousins are likely even closer. East Palestine, Ohio (which must've been very difficult for Americans post 9-11 to understand) has less than 5,000 inhabitants. The issue here is that Miller isn't a star. Not like Hedman. Not even close.

Is it racist to say that about an East Palestinian?

Winner: Hedman, by a country mile. Hyuck.

2. Washington Capitals - avg attendance: 18,774

Not what I would consider a small market team, but nonetheless, they are in the playoffs still and deserve our respect. I shall now show my respect...

Alex Ovechkin is from Moscow, which according to a Russian government census study, is the most populated and wealthy city on the Earth. It has all of the world's gold, and everyone has food and there are no stray dogs running around and gay people are a myth and can I get to the period at the end of this sentence without being poisoned.

Ok, good. Not Ovechkin.

So, who's left?

This wooly bastard,  that's who.

Holtby, seen here, doing something small town people do?

Holtby is from one of the dumbest places in all of North America. Lloydminster. This is a tiny town of 27,000 right on the border of Saskatchewan (I knew it) and Alberta.

Seriously, right on the border. Like, it's literally half Saskatchewan and half Alberta. Now, that may not be so strange because Canada is a relatively young country at just 150 sexy years, but the town itself was founded in 1903. That's like 50 years after the border was drawn between the two provinces.

Another case of Albertans just being difficult.

3. Pittsburgh Penguins - avg attendance: 18,579

Another major market team. Back-to-back Stanley Cups and the best player in the world will do that to you....speaking of which.

Cole Harbour is one of Canada's finest hicktowns. With only 25,000 people, it has managed to be both a national hockey hotbed, and a national embarrassment.

This is a town that saw 26 students suspended after a riot at a high school over a bunch of racist comments. Police officers speak out about systemic racism in the police force, it's just a shit show.

Somehow, it's also spit out at least 2 elite hockey players in Sidney Crosby and Nathan McKinnon.

Maybe they're racists too?

4. Las Vegas Golden Knights - avg attendance: 18,042

The City of sin baby, oh yeah. Hookers, blow, and Celine Dion after mortgaging your house at the roulette wheel!

People live here...

Here's the weird thing about Vegas, and it speaks to their building process and Gallant's coaching. They don't really have one undeniable star. Outside of Marc-Andre Fleury, William Karlsson is the closest thing they have. So...

Winner: William Karlsson, on account of the lowest "who's that" effect.

5. Boston Bruins - avg attendance: 17,565

This is the furthest team from a small market. An original 6 team with multiple cups, and a huge legacy. They also have lots of fans.

They ALSO likely aren't dicking around with that attendance number.

Tuukka Rask. Give him the award.

This fucking team, I hate them so much. One of those reasons is they have like NO small market stars. Everyone is from some major metropolis, or a "town" that is actually just a major metropolis in disguise.

I can't talk about this team forever. I hate them so much.

6. San Jose Sharks - avg attendance: 17,365

Yeah right!

This is so easily Joe Pavelski. He is a huge star in San Jose, one of their best players, without question. And he's from Plover, Wisconsin.

The forgotten state.

96.82% White. Now that just screams small town America. Trump Country.

7. Nashville Predators - avg attendance: 17,307

Who doesn't love Smashville. They are everything that dumb people think Vegas is as a franchise. Great gimmicks, awesome fanbase, amazing City. Suck it, Vegas.

The Predators have a bunch of stars. Pekka Rinne was a standout for the Vezina this year (and perrenial favorite in years past), PK Subban is the most likeable guy in hockey, unless you're from Cole Harbour, but one guys stands above them all as a break-out star from butt-fuck nowhere.

Filip Forsberg.

That's right, the team's best forward is from Ostervala, Sweden. Population: basically fucking zero. Okay, so there are 1,500 people there. But really, that's nothing. Honestly, there is as much in Ostervala as there is on their Wikipedia page.

I've officially written more about Ostervala than wikipedia. Wow.

This isn't just about him being a hillperson. No, Filip Forsberg is a legitimate star. A young guy, scores a ton of goals, great hair. He's the guy George McPhee traded for Martin Erat. Remember that? McPhee does.

Lol, that was dumb.

8. Winnipeg Jets - avg attendance: 15,321

The armpit of Canada. Located in the most forgettable city. It's a Capital for lack of a better option, and even that's debatable. Nothing has ever been inspired by coming to Winnipeg, only by dreams of leaving.

Winnipeg, you suck.

Their Captain is from Minneapolis (more or less), their all-star scoring wookie is from a lovely Finnish city of 300,000 (or a cave somewhere nearby) and their Vezina nominated goalie is from the motor city.

Doesn't SEEM like Canada's team.

It isn't.

So, whose the guy?

Byfuglien. Pronounced: BIF-OO-GLEE-AN, for my pleasure.

Rosea, MN is a town of about 3,000 gap-toothed, straw chewin' bumpkins. I don't know that that's accurate, but in my mind, anywhere with less than 50,000 people (and some places with) are inhabited only by the most overall-wearing of folks.

That's it. I needed to post something to this blog, so I did.

Byfuglien, paddlin' down the crik. A noted rural behavior.